Overcoming Fear: Loneliness & Isolation

Anxiety is a common reality of life to many of us these days.  There is simply so much in this world that can leave a person scarred and unsettled.  Constant worry, or anxiety, can be a natural response.  And finding the right help to overcome it may not be obvious.  Before long loneliness and self imposed isolation can settle in.  But there is great hope to be found.  Freedom from fear is available.  To get there however will likely require the need to journey for a little while.  And unpacking the anxiety responses of loneliness and isolation seem like a good place to start.

So what does it feel like it when anxiety drives you to loneliness?  This is a place that can transform anxiety to fear.  There is a desire to be free of the difficult, constant, and confusing emotions. There is a longing to know there is at least one person who understands, and not just anyone, but someone who will comfort, console, and encourage as well. These folks are not so easy to come by though. And when you are already struggling to avoid constant anxiety it's easy to believe you really are very different from others. This only reinforces the sense of being alone. 

It can then be easy to distance yourself from others, even those you love. Wandering about like Eeyore, from the Winnie the Pooh, may seem appropriate. You might be surrounded by your closest friends and family, but find yourself unable to engage, feeling smothered by the weight of the moment. But what weight? What moment? Well, when you're in this place it can be anything and everything. The fear and anxiety a person experiences can be constant and intense, leaving you always on edge. You may even feel the need to run away and escape from some eminent but invisible threat. Any and every added stimulus can intensify the feeling and retreat can seem the only viable option. The sounds of laughter and love can be heard as noise at best, or mocking at worst. Smells can remind you of different times and places, often those that were settings of trauma. Even the look and feel of a place can be unsettling.

The picture I'm painting here isn't theoretical either. For me it was reality. Each of these characteristics describe an aspect of my own journey. I am grateful to be able to write that these are largely in my rear view mirror, but only because of the help and healing I received as I journeyed. A great deal of which came directly because of my faith in Jesus Christ. I personally cannot imagine having walked down this path without knowing He was there. In my very darkest of moments, when I even began to question Him, the truth of His love for me held me sure.

Yet even those who have known the comfort of Christ still may struggle, particularly if healthy responses to anxiety still need to be learned, or if effective support systems have not yet been built. This struggle can reach the unfortunate extreme of panic attacks. These can be so difficult to endure that they can actually mimic heart attacks. So once again, the choice of separating from others feels...well, safe and almost comforting. And it can be, for a moment, until the moments come after a spike in anxiety and you feel there is no one to reach out to. The lights are off and there is nothing but silence, the long unendurable silence. And that place is not simply one of fear, but is utterly terrifying.

This is a place I repeatedly found myself in as I walked through my own journey of discovery and healing. It seemed that in that place the abuse and trauma from my past became fresh and immediate. Before learning to identify the cause of my anxiety and how to respond it felt like I was reliving past terrors. Even though my mind knew the loved ones in my life were healthy and safe my heart seemed confused at times and I began to withdrawal, to isolate. Isolation was a poor coping mechanism which robbed me of a great deal of love and support. I pray for much better for you. So let me try to explain just what isolation is, as well as what it is not.

What isolation is not:

It is not escape. Escape is fleeing something dangerous, confining, or controlling. Some who struggle with anxiety may be, or have been, in dangerous and destructive situations that should be fled. Doing so is both healthy and the right thing thing to do.

Isolation is also not solitude. Solitude is a purposeful act to temporarily separate from other people and things in order to recenter around core beliefs and values. It is not escaping or isolating from others but instead is an intentional, and prayerful, focusing on who you are and who has made you.

What is isolation?

It is separating yourself from others, avoiding them in an effort to avoid uncomfortable feelings. It can be done both intentionally and unintentionally. It leaves you on your own and feeling very lonely.

If you often find yourself alone because you prefer to avoid even the possibility of discomfort from being around others then there is a good chance you've been isolating. And while you can began feeling very lonely and depressed, family and friends may not be aware of what's happening,

So what can you do?

It's very important when feeling this way that you take a risk and tell others. Reach out. Talk to others about how you feel. Begin building a network of people you feel safe sharing openly and honestly with. These should be people who will listen without offering judgment. They'll simply make themselves available to gently and lovingly walk through this journey with you. Don't feel as though you've got to tell everyone, but at least those select individuals you've trusted before, who've shown themselves faithful, people who have a genuine interest in your well being. It might be a coworker, a teacher, a boss, a friend, or a family member. Whoever these folks are, and wherever you might encounter them, let them know how you are feeling and that you need help. And keep letting them know.

And in those moments when the quiet offers no peace and there doesn't seem to be another person on earth who knows you're alone please understand that you really are never alone. There really is a God who loves you, who brought you into being and knows your name. He is with you in the deafening silence and longs to bring you the comfort of His love, and the peace of His presence. His name is Jesus and He is there, waiting to hear your voice, no matter how you may feel. He is available to hold you close. He's not bothered by your fear, but offers himself to journey through it with you, no matter how long it takes to overcome and find the peace He's prepared for you. Reach out to him. He really is already with you.