My search begins again. I thought I was already there. I thought I had already gotten beyond all of this, but here it is once more reminding me of all the pain of yesterday. I thought I had forgiven everything there was to forgive, but something still eats away inside of me. So as I have so many times before I call out to You God, asking for You to show me just what it is that keeps me where I am, unable to move past the hurt. This time though it seems a little different. Lord, You seem to be taking me deeper than I ever wanted to go, far beyond the painful goodbye to the years of excruciating silence, to the days of so much disappointment, and lives in disrepair.
I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to search this far, this deep. I just wanted the memories to be wiped away, erased. I wanted my wounds to be healed and my stains to be washed clean. But somehow I’ve never let go myself. Maybe I made myself to blame or maybe I was embittered even at such a tender age. I’m not sure it really matters now, because every wound seems to have been opened again and every mark is clear to see, at least to me. Oh God, now that it’s all so fresh I pray You would somehow work the miracle of grace anew, in me. Show me how constant, and how present you were, standing by me in every scene, holding me every time I fell.
Perhaps then I will finally stop looking, and I will finally embrace You completely as the Father You have always been.
