My search begins again. I thought I was already there. I thought I had already gotten beyond all of this, but here it is once more reminding me of all the pain of yesterday. I thought I had forgiven everything there was to forgive, but something still eats away inside of me. So as I have so many times before I call out to You God, asking for You to show me just what it is that keeps me where I am, unable to move past the hurt. This time though it seems a little different. Lord, You seem to be taking me deeper than I ever wanted to go, far beyond the painful goodbye to the years of excruciating silence, to the days of so much disappointment, and lives in disrepair.
I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to search this far, this deep. I just wanted the memories to be wiped away, erased. I wanted my wounds to be healed and my stains to be washed clean. But somehow I’ve never let go myself. Maybe I made myself to blame or maybe I was embittered even at such a tender age. I’m not sure it really matters now, because every wound seems to have been opened again and every mark is clear to see, at least to me. Oh God, now that it’s all so fresh I pray You would somehow work the miracle of grace anew, in me. Show me how constant, and how present you were, standing by me in every scene, holding me every time I fell.
Perhaps then I will finally stop looking, and I will finally embrace You completely as the Father You have always been.
2 comments:
wow Tim, I value and agree with your words of repentance and the frustration of wanting to be cleansed once and for all. Yesterday's devotions in Matthew 9 spoke to me...vs 2 "take courage son, your sins are forgiven" vs 22 "Daughter, take courage, your faith has made you well" Okay, I thought I'd accidently erased this but here it just popped up! I love you and always pray for each of my kids :) God is at work in you it's easy to see...as I've always tell Mark...as God does His work in you, don't make me and the kids be the burnt offerings. God's healing isn't always instantaneous, but just as much of a miracle. I'm praying for you
Tim,
I know you posted this in April. But, Something I have learned about the past considering all of my hurt and pain in the past, is that no matter how much it once hurt... No matter how much I think about it. No matter how much I forgive... I realise that it was an event and an experience that has helped me learn wisdom, patience, and faith.
The past is what makes us who we are today. Also, to be better in the future we need to embrace our past in a learning standpoint and be more like God wants us to be through His word. This you do so much...
So, with that said... "No worries mate!".
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