Overcoming Fear: Loneliness & Isolation

Anxiety is a common reality of life to many of us these days.  There is simply so much in this world that can leave a person scarred and unsettled.  Constant worry, or anxiety, can be a natural response.  And finding the right help to overcome it may not be obvious.  Before long loneliness and self imposed isolation can settle in.  But there is great hope to be found.  Freedom from fear is available.  To get there however will likely require the need to journey for a little while.  And unpacking the anxiety responses of loneliness and isolation seem like a good place to start.

So what does it feel like it when anxiety drives you to loneliness?  This is a place that can transform anxiety to fear.  There is a desire to be free of the difficult, constant, and confusing emotions. There is a longing to know there is at least one person who understands, and not just anyone, but someone who will comfort, console, and encourage as well. These folks are not so easy to come by though. And when you are already struggling to avoid constant anxiety it's easy to believe you really are very different from others. This only reinforces the sense of being alone. 

It can then be easy to distance yourself from others, even those you love. Wandering about like Eeyore, from the Winnie the Pooh, may seem appropriate. You might be surrounded by your closest friends and family, but find yourself unable to engage, feeling smothered by the weight of the moment. But what weight? What moment? Well, when you're in this place it can be anything and everything. The fear and anxiety a person experiences can be constant and intense, leaving you always on edge. You may even feel the need to run away and escape from some eminent but invisible threat. Any and every added stimulus can intensify the feeling and retreat can seem the only viable option. The sounds of laughter and love can be heard as noise at best, or mocking at worst. Smells can remind you of different times and places, often those that were settings of trauma. Even the look and feel of a place can be unsettling.

The picture I'm painting here isn't theoretical either. For me it was reality. Each of these characteristics describe an aspect of my own journey. I am grateful to be able to write that these are largely in my rear view mirror, but only because of the help and healing I received as I journeyed. A great deal of which came directly because of my faith in Jesus Christ. I personally cannot imagine having walked down this path without knowing He was there. In my very darkest of moments, when I even began to question Him, the truth of His love for me held me sure.

Yet even those who have known the comfort of Christ still may struggle, particularly if healthy responses to anxiety still need to be learned, or if effective support systems have not yet been built. This struggle can reach the unfortunate extreme of panic attacks. These can be so difficult to endure that they can actually mimic heart attacks. So once again, the choice of separating from others feels...well, safe and almost comforting. And it can be, for a moment, until the moments come after a spike in anxiety and you feel there is no one to reach out to. The lights are off and there is nothing but silence, the long unendurable silence. And that place is not simply one of fear, but is utterly terrifying.

This is a place I repeatedly found myself in as I walked through my own journey of discovery and healing. It seemed that in that place the abuse and trauma from my past became fresh and immediate. Before learning to identify the cause of my anxiety and how to respond it felt like I was reliving past terrors. Even though my mind knew the loved ones in my life were healthy and safe my heart seemed confused at times and I began to withdrawal, to isolate. Isolation was a poor coping mechanism which robbed me of a great deal of love and support. I pray for much better for you. So let me try to explain just what isolation is, as well as what it is not.

What isolation is not:

It is not escape. Escape is fleeing something dangerous, confining, or controlling. Some who struggle with anxiety may be, or have been, in dangerous and destructive situations that should be fled. Doing so is both healthy and the right thing thing to do.

Isolation is also not solitude. Solitude is a purposeful act to temporarily separate from other people and things in order to recenter around core beliefs and values. It is not escaping or isolating from others but instead is an intentional, and prayerful, focusing on who you are and who has made you.

What is isolation?

It is separating yourself from others, avoiding them in an effort to avoid uncomfortable feelings. It can be done both intentionally and unintentionally. It leaves you on your own and feeling very lonely.

If you often find yourself alone because you prefer to avoid even the possibility of discomfort from being around others then there is a good chance you've been isolating. And while you can began feeling very lonely and depressed, family and friends may not be aware of what's happening,

So what can you do?

It's very important when feeling this way that you take a risk and tell others. Reach out. Talk to others about how you feel. Begin building a network of people you feel safe sharing openly and honestly with. These should be people who will listen without offering judgment. They'll simply make themselves available to gently and lovingly walk through this journey with you. Don't feel as though you've got to tell everyone, but at least those select individuals you've trusted before, who've shown themselves faithful, people who have a genuine interest in your well being. It might be a coworker, a teacher, a boss, a friend, or a family member. Whoever these folks are, and wherever you might encounter them, let them know how you are feeling and that you need help. And keep letting them know.

And in those moments when the quiet offers no peace and there doesn't seem to be another person on earth who knows you're alone please understand that you really are never alone. There really is a God who loves you, who brought you into being and knows your name. He is with you in the deafening silence and longs to bring you the comfort of His love, and the peace of His presence. His name is Jesus and He is there, waiting to hear your voice, no matter how you may feel. He is available to hold you close. He's not bothered by your fear, but offers himself to journey through it with you, no matter how long it takes to overcome and find the peace He's prepared for you. Reach out to him. He really is already with you.

Perfect Love

Fear can take hold of you and make you forget how to breathe. It can demand your every sense while robbing you of the pleasure of them all. It almost always comes from a lie, whispering that it’s keeping you alive and yet never allowing you to live.

Where does this kind of fear come from and how does it find its place at home in our hearts? This is not an easy question to ask for it requires you to look deep within acknowledging a reality common to us all. The answer of course can be as varied as individuals on this earth. We all have our own unique journeys, experiences, and stories. No two of us are exactly alike. Yet we hold these things in common. We all have been created by one God. We all experience the brokenness of this world. And we all can experience the healing of perfect love.

It is this broken world that gives birth to the tyranny of fear within us. The particular paths it takes to wind its way to each one of us can be as different as we are. And the effects we each may feel can have such vast expressions as well. But they are there nonetheless. Ultimately fear longs for us to question who we are, who God is, the value we intrinsically have to Him, and the love He holds out to us.

My own journey through fear was one that required me to stare down my past and there and then remember what has always been true. I really am made in the image of God. I was made by a trustworthy God who loves me. I am worthy of love. And I am pleasing to God. 

This was no easy journey. I had to acknowledge the broken places of my past. It meant overcoming the lies I had believed there. And I needed to believe and hold the truths of who I am and who God is. Without this journey I would not really be living, certainly not with any real sense of peace or lasting joy. Yet through it God begin healing my soul. That healing continues today, but it’s not just for me.  It something that God holds out to all in need.

If you find yourself struggling with fear, anxiety, worry, or even depression know that you are not alone.  There are many of us who share such a struggle. And there are many willing and able to support us, to walk with us, to help us heal. Ultimately God himself desires to lead you down a path of healing if you’ll allow Him. Let me encourage you to trust Him today, by trusting in Jesus Christ. Call out to Him. He won’t disappoint. Reach out to those who truly care for you as well. I know this can be difficult, but it really is worth it. You are worth it. And remember, “Perfect love casts out fear.” - 1 John 4:18

The Ones in the Roadways

As I headed to the airport Monday morning I felt the Lord preparing me for a divine appointment.  I expected to meet someone in the airport or on the plane.  However, after landing in San Diego without "bumping into" anyone I was a little disappointed, but figured maybe I was just wrong.  After getting my rental car I decided to go for a jog along the bay, and on the way there I noticed many who were homeless.  Again the Lord whispered, 'divine appointment'.

The moment I parked my rental car I was met by Keith.  He walked with a bicycle that I imagine was strained to bear even his slight frame.  His sandy hair was shaggy and sun bleached.  His tanned skin did not come from sun bathing, and it's countless lines told the story of a man who had not recently made his home on the streets.  Keith told me a brief story and asked if I could help him with a little money.

I don't usually mind doing this for someone in need but this time the Lord said no.  I instead offered him some peanuts and a simple little cross that happened to be in my bag.  He happily accepted both.  We chatted for a few minutes, and I listened as he explained some past failed attempts to get off the streets.  I then asked if I could pray for him, and he welcomed it.

The Lord must have touched Keith as we prayed because he seemed stunned and appreciative   afterward.  I then shared a very brief word I sensed the Lord speak.  He was stunned once again.  As we parted I knew that Keith had been touched deeply and personally, and his heart seemed open to more from God.  I could have tried to lead him in a prayer of repentance and salvation, but at that point I knew I had done what the Lord had directed.  Anything else would have been me pressing too hard.

I trust the Holy Spirit knows right where Keith is and will continue reaching out to draw him home.  After all He's the one who had been whispering to me all day.  He's the one the who led Keith to my space on the pier.  And He's the one who sparked a light of wonder in Keith's eyes and heart.  The Lord won't forget about him.  I'm certain He'll continue sending others down Keith's street.  One day I believe he'll answer the invitation to come home.  Maybe you'll be the one The Lord sends?  Will you listen and go?  I pray that you do.

“Then the master told his servant, ‘Go out to the roads and country lanes and compel them to come in, so that my house will be full. (‭Luke‬ ‭14‬:‭23‬ NIV)

Calling Out From the Shadow

The young boy sitting next to me was flying on his own, and heading down to visit his dad in Florida. He was a bit hungry and clearly not prepared for the delays caused by the sub-zero temps experienced in the Midwest early this year.  I offered him what few snacks I had and struck up some small talk revolving around his interests, most of which were sports.  Eventually we were joined by the third and final passenger in our row, Chris.  He slowly engaged in our conversation and seemed interested in also helping put this young traveler at ease.  When our conversation turned toward faith, and Christ, Chris became much more involved.

Although he was not a believer himself, and leaned toward atheism, he was very curious and willing to consider the ideas of God having relationship with man.  However, like many, he struggled with reconciling the reality of a holy God with a world of pain, loss, and injustice.  As we chatted he eventually began sharing with me about his family.  The more he did the more I gained the sense that his struggle embracing the reality of God and the truth of Jesus Christ came from his childhood home.

Chris seemed to have parents whom he knew loved and cared for him, but also pushed him to succeed and become more like his brother.  Yet, he was very different from his brother and his parents had a difficult time accepting or celebrating his unique qualities.  As I listened to him I thought I also heard the Lord whispering that much of Chris struggles were born of a deep sense of rejection.  He explained that as he grew older he slowly began rejecting the things his parents, and brother embraced, like worldly success, higher education, and their Christian faith.  However, he also found himself in a strange place of lacking his own identity.

As I think back now his challenge in accepting God, the loving Father, and Jesus Christ, the sinless and perfect Son of God, makes a lot of sense.  How could he accept these truths without ever having felt accepted for who he is?  He had failed to truly and fully receive this all his life, and now as a young man began believing himself to be a screw up.  With such a belief of himself and his own family how could Chris reasonably expect to please a perfect God?  Of course he could not (none of us can on our own).  I believe though that Jesus met him in that plane so that for however brief a time he could experience true acceptance from not only a perfect and holy God, but one overflowing with grace and love.  By the end of our trip I was quite surprised that Chris, the near atheist, allowed me to pray with and for him. From time to time he still comes to mind and I am moved to pray for him still, that he would come to know and embrace the love of Christ.  I pray that all who find themselves in dark and shadowy places would hear the voice of Jesus calling to them and would turn toward Him, and home.

"God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."  Psalm 68:6

Jesus in the Aisle

There was a bit of commotion as Kathy struggled to make her carry-on fit into the overhead compartment. Although her appearance expressed that she was a woman in control she nevertheless seemed out of sorts and clearly flustered by the challenge, and if I recall correctly she was delaying the boarding for other passengers. Some, who were already seated, as well as the flight attendant, grew a touch irritated. Finally, the young flight attendant offered her assistance but did so with sarcastic humor. She apologized and blurted out that she was just trying to get to her mother who as in the hospital and dying.

In response the irritated passengers amazingly thought it helpful, as well as humorous, to offer to buy her a drink since they agreed she could really use one. The flight attendant persisted to try and relieve Kathy with his sarcasm, but she was utterly frazzled and not the sort to easily catch others’ wit. I was saddened by what I observed and upset at the lack of sensitivity she received. Yet, for the duration of that flight I found no opportunity to help her, other than through prayer.

After the plane touched down and the departing passengers were gone Kathy took the opportunity to take a seat closer to the front. She seemed intensely interested in not wasting a single moment on this frantic journey. She moved her carry-on bags to a more forward compartment and sat down in the aisle seat opposite me. I remember her face seeming pressed with anxiety and her eyes strained from the weight she bore. I knew the Lord had given me a chance to offer her a little much needed kindness.

I leaned into the aisle, gently touching her arm, and told her that I couldn’t help but over hear what she’d said about her mother being in the hospital and not doing well. I told her I was very sorry. As I spoke the lines in her forehead relaxed and her eyes seemed to brighten, if only ever so slightly. She thanked me for my concern and went on to explain that she had learned just the day before of her mother’s situation as well as the doctor’s expectation of there only being a few days before her mother passed. Her concern was intensified by the reality of the strained relationship the two of them had known for so many years. Kathy explained briefly of some of the difficulties between them, that she had long before forgiven her mother, ant that she loved her dearly. Yet, still they remained distant. Now she hoped only to get to the hospital in time to tell her how much she loved her and to say goodbye.

I immediately felt the Lord urging me to pray for her. I simply asked her if that would be alright. The offer had barely left my lips before she grabbed my hand and asked me to please pray. I gently held her hand and began, being interrupted briefly by the newly boarding passengers. I prayed for her peace and comfort, the opportunity for her to be reconciled with her mother, and for the presence of Christ to be with her. She couldn’t have been more thankful. Even if her words couldn’t quite communicate it her face and eyes did.

Certainly she was still upset but the Jesus met her there in the middle of that aisle. His presence gave her a sense of peace and hope that overcame her fear. She no longer seemed distraught and the light in her heart seemed restored. She then related that she too was a believer and had been for many years. As the conversation now shifted she seemed a bit lighter and no longer stuck in the waves of grief. The Lord had lifted her above them.

As I look back on this encounter I can see Christ at work. I recognize how my own similar past experiences gave me an ability to relate to this person who was a complete stranger. Then the Lord filled my heart with the compassion He longed to express to her. A simple gesture of kindness was all that He needed to remind her of His love and amazing strength, and to encourage her to take refuge in Him.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV

Just to be WITH you

When I sat down in the quiet stillness of the morning and began to open my Bible I knew I needed something more.  More than the usual.  Although the usual with God is never ordinary and is always life-giving I somehow felt the need for something more.  I needed to be with my Abba, my God, who is also my loving and faithful Father.

My reading plan had me in Genesis, reading about Joseph's experiences in Egypt.  Although there is a great deal there to see and to study I have to confess that I wasn't all that interested.  Nevertheless, I started in.  I read about his ordeal of being sold by slave traders (initially sold to them by his own brothers) to a wealthy Egyptian.  I read about him then being cast into prison because of false charges by the man's wife.  And then I read of his release and opportunity to impress the Pharaoh as the Pharaoh sought to understand a troubling dream.

After Joseph's explanation the Pharaoh was utterly impressed.  Yet as he spoke to the Pharaoh he accepted no praise and explained that God Himself had allowed him to interpret the dream.  As I read this part of the story I stopped and thought, what was it about Joseph that caused him in that moment to give all honor to God and save none for himself?

As a young man he had caused division between himself and his brothers by speaking arrogantly about the things the Lord showed him.  Years later, he has an incredibly opportunity to seize glory and to take the credit for his incredible vision and gift.  He doesn't.  He's been changed.  He is no longer the Arrogant and selfish young man he used to be.

What was it?  This was my question as I considered Joseph's response to Pharaoh.  What caused him to speak so humbly of himself, but so boldly of the Lord?  I had to stop and look back at the story.  What had I missed?  I must have read past something too important to miss.  I thought to myself, of course his ordeals had pressed him and given him a great deal of time to think, but were these alone enough to bring about such remarkable change?

Then, I found the answer.  It's a phrase that is repeated 3 times in chapter 39.  How could I have missed it???  Yet, there it was.  "The Lord was with Joseph".  I suppose it was easy not to give attention to, because it doesn't stand out as a major point of Joseph's experiences.  In reality, it is THE major point of Joseph's entire story.

The gravity of God being with Joseph is what he somehow always failed to grasp as a young boy growing up in a very religious and God-fearing household.  Yet, in the midst of trial, pain, and isolation this reality begins to shape Joseph.  As I thought about this I wanted to be sure I understood this phrase well and that I wasn't overstating what I thought I saw.  So, looked up the Hebrew word for with that was used in verse 2. 

The definition and descriptions provided left me with no doubt.  The meaning for this word at the center of this phrase and for Joseph was one of incredible intimacy.  It means to be directly against, as in an embrace.  Think of that.  In Joseph's darkest and most painful hours and YEARS God was WITH him, embracing him as a Father, even as a Grand-father would hold his young grand-son.

As I began to understand what this text is saying about Joseph, about me, I realized clearly that God had graciously responded to my need.  He showed me once again the tremendous significance of being with Him, of being in His presence. 

With.  It's the very reason God came, that He sent Jesus Christ...to be WITH us, because of His great love for us.  I pray you will find yourself with Him today.

Pursuing the One

I first noticed him, with unkempt hair and dirty clothes, stopping in at the local Starbucks on especially cold mornings last winter.  He made an impression on me because it’s rather unusual to see folk like him daring enough to come near to, well, people like me I suppose, and he couldn’t have been more than 19 years old.  The young man carried with him a blanket which barely seemed fit for the trunk of my car. Yet, he walked with it draped about his shoulders.  His simple desire seemed only to be warm, but his apparent shame was difficult to hide.  As I later walked by him on my way to the bathroom I caught the unmistakable scent of a person who had not had a bath in a very long time.  He didn’t pay any attention to me though.  He just continued to read the discarded newspaper, blanket still wrapped about him.  I wanted to help him somehow, but he didn’t seem interested in asking anyone for anything, and I didn’t want to offend him.  However, before I left the restroom I decided I would at least offer to buy him a cup of coffee.  Unfortunately, he had already left.  Thankfully it wasn’t the last time I would see him.

                A few weeks had gone by and I was beginning to wonder if I was going to see him again.  Then, on another brisk winter morning he walked in to Starbucks once more, but this time he went directly into the bathroom.  I was eager to meet him so I tried to pay attention to who came and went.  After some time had passed I began to wonder if I’d missed him as he left.  So, I got up and made my way toward the bathroom myself.  After entering I immediately noticed the same odor I was met by as I walked past him on the first encounter, and then noticed a pair of very well worn sneakers which could just be seen beneath the divider.  I realized that slowly warming up within the privacy afforded him in a bathroom stall must have felt much better as he was able to escape the peering eyes and awkward glances of those in the lobby.

                Somehow I again missed him as he must have left while I was on the phone, or typed an email.  I was so irritated with myself and felt I had blown my chance.  I actually prayed right then for at least one more opportunity to meet him.  My prayer was answered a few days later as I saw him once more at Starbucks.  His routine was the same this time around, except as he reentered the lobby he sat down at an open table.  Now was my chance.  I made my way over and introduced myself, then asked him what his name was.  Mike.  I told him it was nice to meet him and asked if he was hungry, and if I could get him something to eat.  Umm, sure.  His clear and astonished eyes seemed to say so much more than his lips could muster.  Then he shocked me.  When it was time to order he simply asked for a small cup of coffee, nothing to eat.  Are you sure?  I asked, “You can get whatever you’d like.” Yeah, thanks, he said.  We chatted for a minute then he went back to his seat and I returned to mine.  He left shortly afterward, blanket still wrapped about him and a cup of coffee in his hand.

                I’ve seen Mike around town and from a distance since then, and have even bumped into him on another occasion, and every time I wish there was something more I could do.  Every time I wonder too what would drive a young man like himself to the streets.  I don’t know if I’ll ever hear his story but I’m thankful for the meeting we had.  I’m thankful too for the Lord urging me to get up out of my seat, and out of my comfort zone, that day, the same kind of urging I’m sure I’ve ignored too many times before.  I suppose the difference was the many prayers asking Jesus to make me more like Him, and the countless times reading about Jesus’ own encounters, hoping I would someday simply live more boldly, compassionately, like I said, more like Jesus.

                Lately, I’ve been looking even more intently at some of the encounters Jesus had with people.  One particular story has been especially striking to me.  It’s the account in the Gospel of John (John 4) where Jesus meets the woman at the well.  I’ve only just realized how intentional His choice to remain at a Samaritan well during the “6^th hour of the day” was.  Given these details Jesus was virtually guaranteed to meet a Samaritan woman, someone not just different from Himself, but wholly inappropriate for Him, as a Jewish and holy man, to associate with, especially in public.  Yet, He showed no concern for such divisive social conventions while He did show great concern for the woman He met.  The focus of their conversation centered first upon water and then restoration, but it was motivated entirely by Jesus’ great love and compassion for the lost, and those broken by life, and in this instance especially for her.

                It was because Jesus dared to set aside the opinion of others and pursue someone who never would have sought Him out that not only was she restored to God, experiencing a freedom she had never before known, but so did many others from the village.  As uncomfortable as it can be to approach a stranger, not to mention someone as “different” from me as Mike is, I want to continue growing in my willingness and care in doing so.  People who are confused and hurting are not going to come and find me, but I can go and find them, and when I do I can give my ear to hearing their story.  As Christ then would lead me, I can attempt to gently offer His loving and compassionate truth, which at first may look a lot like a cup of cold water, or maybe a cup of coffee.